I have no idea what to write about today. My head seems fried and in override and my heart seems to have put itself into protection mode. If I let him feel and run free, I might shatter in fear. I am very overwhelmed, I think, I guess. I have no idea why I feel like this. My hypothesis? I will be applying for my residency here in New Zealand this week and its such a big deal. There is so much on the line with this for me. So important for me, that it’s probably just clouding everything else in my life, my head and heart.
Note to self: Be strong, whatever happens I will be ok!
Will keep you posted.
Wish me luck.
I have coping mechanisms. I learnt that term today and I like it.
Do you have coping mechanisms?
Life has thrown me a curb ball that’s all about flexibility. How much can I push myself into uncomfortable positions? How tolerant can I be to meet my goals? How much am I willing to take, do, say and not say?
Well, we will just have to wait and see wont we? Because today was one of the most uncomfortable days and a day when I have had to pull out all my tricks from my bag and be as flexible as possible. Will I make it? Who know, but I will definitely try!
So many things to say about this mother, my mother. Just saying the word “mother”, comes with such an emotional charge for me, so many thoughts and just basically temperature and movement all around my body. She is intense, intelligent, traveled, she has seen the good, the bad and the ugly and I believe that her story is one of the most inspiring stories I have ever heard.
I am the only child of a mother that was determined to have me, to love and to raise me. With all its consequences and all its satisfactions, on her own. I am the result that, for better or worst, grew up, learned and molded herself to the values, morals and habits of a fearless, loving, determined creature! A beautiful, graceful women. A women that makes all the stares turn once she walkes in a room. A women that will make you wonder if your life has been lived to its fullest, because you hear her stories and you cant help but be in utter awe just imagining what it was like to live her life. She never held anything back and apologized for nothing.
If she weren’t my mother, she would be the women I would want to be around. She is the women I would want to be near and know what she is up to, what she is doing, because I know she would always be doing something amazing. She is the women that takes risk, that gets angry when somebody messes with things that are important to her, she is the women that feels deeply the sorrow, pain and fear of loss, because God knows, she has had plenty.
She is the woman who started with nothing, earned everything on her own, with nobody’s help, lost it all again, and earned it again, over and over and over. She is the women that dated the drunk, the drug addict and the broke, with aspirations to save them and pull them out of their despair, not knowing that the only person she was truly trying to save was herself.
She is the women that would be at the top one day, moving the main projects that were going to change Mexico’s future, traveling the world in private jets, dinning with the people who were defining our world, dressing in the finest and prettiest cloths, to having to bake cookies in her kitchen and sell them in the stop sighs to feed her daughter, to having to sell all her valuables to pay the rent and having to ask her 8 year daughter if it was ok to sell her Nintendo to buy some food.
She is the women that no matter how busy she was, how scared she was, no matter how far away she was, she always had time for me. I could always count on her answering her phone or calling me right back. I could always count on her being at all the important and mayor events in my life, I could always count on her tender loving care in moments of intense confusion. I could always count on her undivided attention. And when we had the money and when we didn’t, I could always count on her unconditional love.
And the most amazing part, she was always so honest that I never, for a second, held anything against her. A lack of father, a lack of money, a lack of her attention, a lack of stability, I always knew that everything that was going on was because she loved me, and because she had made a good choice or a bad choice.
She is a women that has suffered a lot of physical damage. Her health has always been on a thin line. Physically she was never the strongest, but she always managed tu pull through, to fight back and climb the mountain of life once again. She is a warrior, my mother and my biggest inspiration.
With mother’s day around the corner I salute all the single, working mothers and thank them for fighting like they do for humanity!
The thought of biking for two hours through the very hilly Khandallah streets, on a dark cold Sunday morning, scared the shit out of me. I had never rode in the dark, and it was going to be in the dark for about an hour and a half. I had researched the sunrise time on Google the night before and it said: 7:12am. But to hit my training hourly goal that week, I had to do it at that time. Mikes dad was being released from the hospital and we had to go get his car and drive it back to Fielding (8 hour car ride). Reason why my bike ride HAD to be at 6am, or else I wouldn’t make it.
So after thinking about this for hours, I had decided that going with Mike was very important for me. This ment I would have to get up at 5:45am, get dressed and go for my bike ride, so I could be back home by 8 and be ready to leave by 9.
5:45am alarm goes off and I get up right away, my heart racing, I run to the window, open it and stick my head out to see if I could get a glimpse of the weather. I tell Mike “I am too scared, I can’t do it”, to what he replies “just go, you will be fine”. I decide I was going to go to the bathroom and think about it.
While I am sitting in the toilet, a deep, thoughtful process is going through my head. What would it take for me to go? Well, lets see, being relaxed popped up in my head. And what would help me be relaxed? Light and if I could listen to music. Two things I could get easily. Would have my iPod on with no headset and the streets were going to be lit, just as soon as I managed to walk my bike out of the driveway.
I run to the little pile of cloths I had ready since the day before, put all my layers on. I grab my gloves and decide to leave them. I thought I wasn’t going to need them. Boy! Was I wrong.
Off I go! Out the door, up the driveway and on to the streets. The first thing I see is a beautiful, huge, bright, full moon smiling at me. I was at ease right away!
The first 10 kilometers were great, in the dark, Sunday morning, no cars, I felt on top of the world.
All of a sudden I start to feel unusual pain in my fingers and my toes. It takes me a while to understand what was going on, I was freezing!!! I ignore it and keep going, had 10 k to go up before I would head back home.
All of a sudden, the only thing I could think about was “its coldest right before sunrise”.
After 45 minutes on my bike, my toes and fingers were in a world of pain. I decide to head back home, even though I still had 15 minutes to go, I was too cold.
At some point I decided it was a good idea to call Mike. “Are you up?” I ask him. ”Trying not be” he replies, “Sorry, I am just supper cold and don’t know what to do” and obviously answered what I didn’t want him to “don’t worry, the sun is about to come out and you will be fine” clunk! He hangs up.
OMG did that piss me off. I get on my bike and start pedaling, so uncomfortable! I start crying. Crying? But why? It’s not like I had hyperthermia and my toes were purple, blocks of ice. Why was I so pissed off? “It’s Mike fault” was my first thought, he always does that. Then I retract myself immediately, and recognize that that’s a lie, he is the nicest, most supportive boyfriend ever. And why was I pissed off at him? It’s not like he put a gun to my head and told me to go on a bike.
I keep pedaling, crying harder. trying to keep my fingers together on the downhills and go as slowly as possible. I start seeing frost come up on the grassy fields of the parks. I can barely pedal, my toes are so numb and it hurts so much. It was hard for me to understand why on earth I was so uncomfortable.
After crying and crying and trying to sort out what was going on, I decide to lean into the fear and connect with what really was going on. “MY residency!” That’s it! I thought! I was so nervous about applying for my residency in two weeks that I couldn’t take it.
If it hadn’t been for that cathartic moment on my bike I would have never connected with my true and real fear of loosing everything that was so perfect in my life in New Zealand. It all made much more sense.
I roll down my drive way, take my shoes off, walk up the stairs and quietly (didn’t want to wake Mike up) get into the warm shower. I stood there feeling my fear and holding my hand while I told myself that what ever happened I would be ok.
After months of thinking, evaluating, connecting, being honest, being scared, being negative, unproductive and ugly about it, today I have finally understood the correct question to be making myself. The question I should be asking myself is: What would it take for me to be ok with this situation? What would it take for me to get the most out of it?Instead of how the hell do I get out of here without too much damage.
If I want to carry out my goals in this area of my life, the smartest, wisest choice is to stay where I am. How can this situation, where I am so uncomfortable, scared and mainly just pissed off at, be ok?
Now that I have finally figured out the question, and evaluated that staying in this current situation is the best thing for me at the moment (as much as that scares the shit out of me) I can start thinking of that and come up with a plan.
So today was the first day I implemented the new mentality and everything has gone like clockwork. I am so mesmerized as to how it worked out, how my state changed, I am not as sleepy, tired, bored, angry or scared. Today I managed to say some things that I had held back out of fear.
The goal? Staying in this state as long is it takes in order for me be in a better place in my life to take the best option.
I loved it. It hit really close to home with one of the goals I struggle with the most, money. As one of my earlier post points out, I suck with money. And I have some big amounts to gather this year and can’t see how I am EVER going to reach them. Thanks to this article, I will start a special daily project, it’s going to be called my Small Daily Goal. I am still not sure if I will share it in my daily blog posts, or in my agenda or on my Twitter account, but I think this will be a great exercise.
This will be a great addition to an already amazing goals program that I learnt while being a coach for Executive Success Programs. Thanks to this goal program, I have been able to lose weight, start doing triathlon and be more mindful with my actions. Will doing this bring me closer to my goal? Will spending money on this, bring me closer to my goal? Will taking this course, bring me closer to my goal?
I guess you have different tools in life, books, blog posts, courses, advise from friends and family. It’s all a matter of if you use these tools or not.
My first daily small goal: not buying any more sports gear today. Have some money left in my account, but need it for something else. And all day I have browsed athletics gear webpage. So the goal will be to not spend that money.
Where do you think this tip may help you? What goal do you struggle with?
I believe there is a form of inspiration in most things, it’s just a matter of choosing to be inspired by them or choosing to not connect with yourself, and being uninspired. Today I have chosen to not connect with myself, so I am a bit uninspired. Very weird.
After my two years as part of the coaching team of ESP I have come to understand how responsible I am for everything that happens in my life. Off all the good things, bad things and big things. So the challenge today is connecting, being honest with myself and understanding what is going on within me.